What I’ve actually seen in over 5 years of working with neurodivergent queer & trans clients

As Internal Family Systems becomes a more and more popular and well known modality of emotional healing, the question of whether IFS is legit is a big question for many queers & trans folks who are trying to figure out how to approach the next steps in their healing journey.  

While the research evidence is growing to support IFS as an evidenced-based modality, I’d love to share with you the transformation pattern that I’ve personally noticed as an IFS practitioner who has been using IFS with clients since 2021.  

People who come to work with me come to me with something about themselves they want to change, some kind of painful pattern that they think they will be better without.  

As we start getting to know their inner landscape and we identify the parts of them involved in their painful patterns, what this can look like is that how they feel *about* these parts of themselves is some kind of rejection.  “I’m annoyed by these parts of myself” or “I feel like they’re not grounded in reality/not logical” or “I’m scared of them” or “They’re causing problems” can be direct rejection. “I want to help them find another job” can be a more indirect kind of rejection, a desire to get the part to change.  These reactions make so much sense.  They’re doing IFS with me because they want something different than this painful pattern perpetuated by these parts.  

The transformation

The transformation that I see isn’t immediate; I tend to notice it at around 6 months of working together.  What I notice is a greater kindness toward their parts that extends beyond our 50 minute sessions.  Over several months I have reflected back the possible positive intentions of the parts and shared the IFS process of giving presence, attention, compassion, and curiosity toward their parts as being the quickest and surest path toward those parts healing. At some point, many of my clients will come into a session and share a story with me about something that happened in their daily life where they noticed a part of themselves that was struggling or was doing the painful pattern thing and the person decided to be present with the part with curiosity or compassion.  

What I love about this moment is two things.  

One is that IFS is already starting to do its work: The work of reducing shame.  When your internal landscape has more kindness, it’s a nicer place to be than when it’s full of blame, self-judgment, or fear.  

The other thing that I love is that I know that the work of healing their parts who are stuck perpetuating those painful patterns can now begin in a more direct way.  Just like any human is going to be more amenable to engage about a problem when met with kindness, appreciation, and curiosity, our parts’ willingness to open up about what’s keeping them stuck in these patterns and be curious about what other possibilities we may have to offer increases dramatically when they’re approached internally with curiosity and compassion. 

At that point, we can start getting traction on their social anxiety; or their confusion about their relationship to their body, food, and exercise; or their desire to have more ease and clarity in relationships; or their struggle to know what they feel and want.